Just Another Laowai In China

I got a phonecall this morning from my school asking me why i wasn't at work yet, my answer its saturday the school should be closed on a saturday. but that was not good enough for the school because they said because of the national holiday we need to work the weekend before because its not October 1st yet. i figure they also want me to return to work on the 8th which is next sunday because the holiday is over after 7 days and God forbid they let us have 8 days holiday. i guess i should probably just play it stupid and forget to come until they phone me

well i guess that all makes sense, NOT!. what i don't understand is why schools have continue on the weekend but most companies don't. it should be the other way around, or we could make it even better and have both cancelled for the weekend

i figure working extra days to make up for the days we get off must be some sort of fucked up  joke in the chinese communist calender thats dictates whatever you can do.

anyway i'm just glad the holiday is coming i sure can use it

have a nice holiday everyone

I know you always hear that chinese girls are among the most beautiful woman in world, and i guess this is true to an point. the reason for that thinking is that they never show girls from the farms or one of the female labourers in any hollywood movie. So after reading hectors article "cute by default" talking about the farm girls in the SND it got me thinking why are some girls so beautiful and others soooooo fugly.

i came up with 3 good reasons

1st: everyone knows that china is becoming more and more competitive in the sports world. i think the main reason for this is selective breeding. judging by the size of the arms and thighs on some of the girls you see on the bus and walking around in the market you know that their family has been selected to breed girls to compete in the shotput, hammerthrow, weightlifting and wrestling events. i am scared of this type of girl. this is the type of girl that would flip your car if you ever honked your horn at her.

2nd: fake baby formula and overuse of IV's causes extremely high testosterone levels. when you are on the bus next time i suggest you look at the arms of a fugly chinese girl, you will notice that they have more hair on their arms than most chinese men. last week on the bus i saw a woman wearing an openback shirt, she had more hair on her shoulders and arms than a silverback gorilla. i don't know why the testosterone causes the chinese woman to become hairy and the chinese men have none. but i think china should investigate

3rd: some chinese girls are very beautiful because.................

ok i don't know. but i'm glad they are

Well it appears my memory has put me in deep shit, i have somehow managed to forget my mothers birthday. which should have been impossible because me and Sammi were talking about it last week. but it appears my memory has let me down again

i can even blame it on the time difference because i know the time difference between china and canada is 14 hours   but since i had missed my mothers birthday by 3days it doesn't fit

i could always go to the hospital and ask if they have any herbal memory suppliments but i think most likely they will want to give me an IV for my memory. i seems everything that is wrong with your body the chinese doctor thinks an IV can cure.

Patient: i have a sore stomach

Doctor: you need an IV

Patient: i have a case of the Gout

Doctor: you need an IV

Patient: my hearing is failing

Doctor: you need an IV

Patient: my clothes are dirty

Doctor: you need an IV, it will get those stains right out

Patient: i want a sex change operation

Doctor: an IV will take care of that

Patient: i have an exam tomorrow

Doctor: you need an IV

Patient: i'm cheating on my wife

Doctor: you need an IV

Patient: with your wife

Doctor: NO IV for you, I go give my wife IV make her stop cheating

so it looks like i'm stuck with my bad memory

p.s. my bad memory is also the reason i don't update my blog enough

Today when Sammi and I were heading back from Auchan. we saw our first ever high speed chase taking place. while we were riding our electric bike along the bike path. a chinese man on a large black motorcycle shot past up at around 80Km/h which is probably his bikes top speed. a moment later a chinese police car pulls up along side us it has its light and siren blaring. the officers are intently focused on catching the man on the motorbike but because the police made the mistake of trying to drive on the bikepath weaving in and out of bikes their speed was nowhere near the motorcycles and the motorcycle rider escaped. by the time the police car got to the next intersection the motorcycle was long gone. but these two police officers weren't going to give up so easily so they asked the traffic police at the intersection for help. their conversation was priceless

here is an excerpt

Police Officers: excuse me did you see a man

Traffic Police: yes we have seen several men today

Police Officers: Did you see a man just now

Traffic Police: yes

Police Officers: Which way did he go

Traffic Police: which one

Police Officers: What do you mean which one

Traffic Police: we are at an main intersection we see several hundred men

Police Officers: He was riding a bike

Traffic Police: i think all the men were riding bikes

Police Officers: his was a motorbike

Traffic Police: ah yes we saw several men on motorcycles

Police Officers: a black motorcycle

Traffic Police: it's nighttime all motorcycles look black, and i am wearing sunglasses so its impossible to tell

Police Officers: it was a man riding a black motorcycle and he was going very fast

Traffic Police: oh yes we saw him

Police Officers: which way did he go

Traffic Police: That way

The two traffic police both point in different directions. one of them was even pointing a up into the air at a 35 degree angle. at this point me and sammi got bored and decided to go home. so we missed the last thing the police officers said but considering that they went off in another direction than the traffic police had pointed i figure they said something like this then gave up

Police Officer 1: What are we gonna do now? since this officer has just told us the motorcycle has taken flight i don't think they issued us the flying car today, how about just give up

Police Officer 2: sounds good to me, but now i am in a bad mood how about we pull over a BMW and give him a ticket for having 4 wheels the same size to cheer me up.

Police Officer 1: sounds good to me

Last night Sammi delighted me with an early birthday present. its was the bag me and Sammi had seen on a japanese BMX biker when we were walking in SIP during the weekend. Sammi remembered me at the time drooling over the bag ( not literally)  but even if it was literally it would have been fine because the bag is waterproof. anyway i figured since the guy was japanese it would be impossible to get the bag in china seeing as how he probably bought it in japan. so i put it into the back of my mind with all the other cool thingsi had seen and i wanted but i would never be able to get in china. i had made a plan to save up a few thousand USD and go on a mad shoping spree in HK or Japan. but then yesterday i was at school and Sammi phoned me and told me she found the bag i pissed my pants with excitement. it turns out there was this one shop that imported 2 of the bags from japan. Sammi told the owner of the shop that she had seen someone with the bag before

their conversation 

Owner: was he japanese?

Sammi:  yes

Owner: did he have fucked up hair and cool sunglasses

Sammi:  yes

Owner:  did he ride a little bike

Sammi: yes

Owner:  thats the guy who bought the only other one

 So right away Sammi bought the bag and took it home, as soon as  i finished school i rushed home as quickly as i could to see my lovely bag........ i mean i rushed home to see Sammi. the bag was secondary in my mind  of course Sammi was upset that i wanted to see the bag more than her, i quickly tried to convince her that i wanted to see her more but i think i failed. i gotta find some flowers on my way home today to make up for it

so anyhow right now i'm sitting at work typing on my computer with my new bag on the floor next to me looking all nice and shinny since its made of some silver/pewter colored pleather like material.  i will be very careful with my bag for the next few weeks so if you touch it without my permission i will probably rip out your throat with my teeth.

just before i forget

THANK YOU SAMMI FOR THE GREAT GIFT

It's raining again, so that puts me in a bad mood since i have forgotten to bring my raincoat with me today, so i know when I am biking home i will get a lovely oily black streak up my nice white shirt from my ass to my neck.

anyone  that lives in suzhou knows that the black muck from the road never washes out of your clothes and this is one of my favorite shirts it makes me want to bike home in the nude, anyone else want to join? we could hold a nude biking rally with all proceeds going to buying me new clothes to replace the ones that the rain has ruined.

anyone interested in joining the nude bike rally please send an e-mail to stupididea@bs.com

both men and woman welcome because we don't want it to turn into a sausage fest.

all shapes and all sizes are welcome.

someone please bring a video camera because i wanna make a video called EGW "expats gone wild" chinese are of course welcome to come

Welcome back to Suzhou vs The Middle Ages part 2

point 1

Europe: there were beggers everywhere and they were often maimed and crippled from the war and different diseases that caused certain parts of their body to rot off

Suzhou: there are beggers everywhere most of them ordinary people disguised as beggers because they can make a more money being a begger than with an honest job. but there are real beggers that have been maimed by different events such as work accidents, greedy parents, bum fights. many beggers cake their face and skin with different kinds of muck that makes them look like they are rotting away so they can get more pity money. i give them soap

point 2

Europe: there were many pickpockets or cutpurses expecially during Fairs or Carnivals. they would steal your purse with great stealth and skill.

Suzhou: there are many pickpockets and cutpurses around the large shopping districts such as Guan Qian Jie and Shi Lu. they will steal your purse, phone, wallet, pants, bike, hat, leg, arm all with incredible stealth whatever they can get their hands on. according to the local chinese there are no chinese pickpockets all the thiefs are from the XinJiang Province which is the Muslim minority in china.

hmmm interesting relation there looks like worldwide whenever anything bad happens everyone says it must be the Muslims fault. i just noticed that the cheese in my fridge has gone bad i wonder if i can blame the Muslims then maybe the Bush administration will do a full scale invasion of my fridge cleaning it spotless to remove all traces of terrorist using mold

point 3

Europe: when you are riding your horse along the road suddenly a group of men armed with knifes will jump out and steal all your money. OMG its the bandits!!!!

Suzhou:  when you are driving your car along the road suddenly a group of men armed with sticks and whistles will jump out in front of you and tell you to pull your car over to the curb, when you do they will steal all your money for the stupidest reasons such as your tie does not match your cars paint color (600RMB) fine for that. OMG its the police

point 4

Europe: Law? there was law?

Suzhou: Law? there is law? there are lots of rules but i'm still looking for the law

point 5

Europe: Whores from what i have learned in books and from movies it seems like the fallen ladies were everywhere in pubs, whore houses, castles, stables, hell even walking on the street all of them complete with enough diseases to shrivel your nuts into non-existence

Suzhou: the KTV's have got more girls working inside than the communist party has members.

This sucks ass yesterday i had the day off work but i couldn't do anything because it was raining. Now today i wake up in the morning and its still raining. from what i can tell it has been raining for about 24 hours straight. hat i really want to know is where is this raining coming from. if you look up into the sky you can see that the clouds are completely white. i have never seen a days rain come from white clouds before.

a word of advice if you are living in suzhou don't look up into the sky when its raining without goggles because the rain has so many chemicals and so much acid in it that your eyes will feel like they are burning. china is the only place i have been that if you go walking in the rain you will become smelly and dirty. and if you wash your clothes and hang them outside to dry and it rains all your white clothes will turn yellow.

don't get the wrong idea about me. i love china i just hate the fucking rain

today at work i think i will have the students chat "RAIN RAIN GO AWAY " for a few hours maybe then the demonic forces in change of Suzhou's rain will listen. Or it could be that the rain in Suzhou is regulated by the chinese government so i might have to go bribe some officals to get it to stop. so please anyone who would like to donate some money to help bribe the officals in charge of rain please leave me a message and i will give you my account information

I don't know about the rest of you but i have been following the Chinese version of American Idol called "Sprite My Show 2006" the last few months and to tell you the truth i quite enjoy it. I enjoy making fun of the singers i hate and cheering on the people i like. some people i hate very much and i'm sure the only reason they are still in the TV show is that the thousands of lonely countryside girls have fallen in love with them and vote for them every chance they get. when i'm watching the show i can see that the audience is 95% female all cheering on the boy they love. i'm sure if there was more boys watching the show and voting i'm believe the show contestants would be voted more for how they actually sing and perform than how they look.

there were 2 singers i liked very much, the first one is both mine and my wife Sammi's favorite his name "Lou Kai Yuan" he is a true HipHop and B-boy and probably 1 of 5 Chinese men that can actually dance hiphop in china. i was very upset when he lost today so i dropped a few TMD bombs that got me some odd looks from Sammi. even though he lost i'm sure he will succeed later because he has talent and he can rap in english and chinese so once he learns to focus his energy he will dropkick all though fucking annoying countryside style singers off the charts.

me and sammi other favorite is "Ding Shuang" a Chinese girl with a black gospel singers voice inside of her. she has one of the best voices i have ever heard in china and she is skilled in both chinese songs and english. surprisingly she is actually better at english songs than chinese. her voice has a great range she can sing the lows and the incredibly highs. look out Mariah Carey and Celine Dion this girls gonna knock you the fuck out. and she is gonna destroy Coco Lee in China shes gonna high pitch that silicone right off your ass and tits. here comes Chinese next biggest english singing star i hope. i was so happy that she made it through to the next round today.

and all of you that know any of these crazy countryside bitches that keep voting for the Fugly hairstyle guy and the short scrawny guy with no fashion sense ( i don't know their chinese names) please smack some fucking sense into them. because we don't want the winner to be one of these unskilled assholes, do you want them to be representing chinas music scene?

music lovers unite lets help out Ding Shuang

P.S. Shi Yang is totally crazy but he was nice to everyone and i will never forget him dressed as a Bumblebee

Crikey, this has been a pretty bad week.

Monday evening i was completely shocked to hear that the "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin had been killed by a stingray while filming his TV show off Australia's north coast. I don't know about you but i never thought the Croc hunter would die, to me he has always been the invincible conservationist. i thought if he ever was to die it would have been from a huge shark that he was trying to hug or mate with or a group of crocodiles in some murky water. to me the chances of the great Steve Irwin dying from anything thing less were as likely as Pornstar Jenna Jameson dying from an aggressive sperm.

even though the Crocodile Hunter is dead i hope we never forget what we have learned from his many TV shows and documentaries. we should remember to respect animals expecially the dangerous ones and do our best to help protect them. I think he has even helped China in some ways Chinese people love watching his show and i think by watching the show they are now more protective about the animals in china and are less likely to eat them.

i wish his wife and family strength through this difficult time

So long mate, i'm sure the animals are gonna miss you